"Nation, anyone who watched the Supreme Court hearings last month knows that Obamacare is on life support. And Justice Scalia is about to put a pillow over its face. And I’m so relieved that we’re getting rid of universal healthcare before the unthinkable happens: like, it works."
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report
"Yes: it was the hoodie’s fault. A hooded sweatshirt can make an innocent teen look like a criminal — just like a suit and glasses can make Geraldo Rivera look like a journalist."
STEPHEN COLBERT, on Fox “News” contributor Geraldo Rivera’s contention that wearing a hoodie is what led to Trayvon Martin’s murder, on The Colbert Report
- Colbert: You’re a Catholic, I’m a Catholic. Why no ashes?
- Pelosi: Later.
- Colbert: [Laughs] Later? You know this is broadcasting at about 5 minutes to midnight. You gotta get on it.
- Pelosi: In California, it’s three hours earlier.
- Colbert: Oh, exactly. You’ve—that’s a loophole that Jesus didn’t anticipate.
"Folks, this is what the Supreme Court intended with their Citizens United ruling: twenty-two billionaires deciding who our next leader would be."
Stephen Colbert, on Super PAC donors
"We need somebody who’s engaged in sudden and relentless reform and isn’t afraid to shake it up, shake up that establishment. So, if for no other reason, rage against the machine, vote for Newt. Annoy a liberal; vote Newt."
Sarah Palin’s stellar endorsement of Gingrich.
Colbert: “Yeah, annoy a liberal. Newt is like a flaming bag of poop you can vote for.”
"So I don’t know whether Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich won, but we do know one thing for certain: tomorrow, both of them can go back to ignoring Latinos."
Stephen Colbert, on Florida Primary